In the Absence of Colour

Cold, cantankerous and late, he arrived rapping at the window in the dead of night. We all talked about his absence, and now that he's arrived we'll surely talk about his presence -- although to call him popular would be contentious. With each step he challenges us to remember the true power this world, and how precious our dear warmth is. He arrives suddenly even when delayed, and is disposed to disappear without warning. Clinging to the ground waiting to ensnare you in patches, or hanging off of the rooftops in icy daggers, he is not afraid of you and will come again long after you were sure you'd overcome him. Forcing your breath short he will draw away your sensations and do his best to wrap you up in his frosty gusts. It has been awhile since we met, good evening Mr. Winter.

Goodnight Moon

To be home with the goat dog and a nice bed, it's a really nice feeling. The reality of lacking and seeking paid work hasn't started to bother me. Seeing old friends and being pitched offers to join forces in creative endeavours is both flattering and exciting. I'm eagerly anticipating a call from the film lab telling me to pick up my 34 rolls of developed film. I'm surprisingly eager to also take weeks to scan it all.

It was the best summer of my life, and the momentum is still here. What I lacked in writing I made up for by working on my photography. I'm starting to gain the confidence to shoot the candid street portraits that I aspire to do well. There's something about capturing people in their natural stances that appeals so much to me. In a day and age of relentless image productions, it's fresh to simply document things as they are. There's something that feels more legitimate about working with the conditions at hand --although I do respect studio work. Being a sneaky ninja photographer is more me.

I'd like to share the blog of my good friend Marcelo, a fantastic musician from Sao Paulo who compiled an excellent list of his favourite Brazilian albums of all time. Move your furniture out of the way, because you're going to want to move around to the brilliant and fun rhythms.

http://marceloporai.blogspot.rs/

On Cement Blocks

Dear robots, Russian spies, CSIS, Family, Friends, Lovers,

Fair universe, how I thank you. It was another day where the city took a few days to grow on me. Big thanks to my older brother for being so well loved that a distant family would take me into their home and give me such unwarranted treatment.

Valencia, you dirty, corrupt, artistic, utterly Spanish and adorable city. I navigated your streets in the rain and made it just in time to a haven for film photographers. Despite arriving minutes before closing, your best showered me with helpful tips and filled my bag with fresh film stock. You even rounded the bill down and gave me a nice cloth bag. With a quick and happy goodbye you pointed me to a modern art museum that wasn´t full of laziness, but rather sharp anti-war sentiment and intelligent decontructions of propaganda. I left and took a picture of a cop who then threatened me if he ever saw himself on the internet. Jackass, I know you take selfies and put them there yourself.

After playing the ignorant gidi card I left and chuckled at the absurdity of a law and order figure being so upset for being lawfully captured on film. Unless you were embarassed for say, hassling someone with no cause, why be afraid of having your photo taken in public? He should have less fear, his portrait will probably look as ugly as his person and not make the cut.

The desicion has been made that this second taste of Europe needs to be savoured for longer. Two months has been doubled to four months. Photos need to be taken. Things need to be written. Music needs to be played. Apologies to the family (and especially the dog), but things are rolling in strength here that make the stasis of the past few years at home seem wasted. They were not, of course, but the feeling is there. Trust in your instinct is something I vowed some time ago, and so here I will wander, collect, absorb, dissect and enjoy.

Roll, walk, push, sit and watch as the landscape shifts before you. The smells change, the language transitions from one romantic to the next and before long, time will bring you back to your starting point with fresh memories and ideas to challenge that cursed, beautiful, comfortable stasis. Why search for more when you start with everything an ape needs?

More rambles. Bukowski the articulate jerk; whose words peel behind your eyes as fast as your hunger allows. What indulgence and self-loathing can do for expression is frightening. Why are so many idols such volatile people on an individual level? Kurt Cobain who blew himself up, Elliot Smith and his sword to gut, Nick Drake and his pills. How many other of my favourite creators push their bodies to their limits and beyond? How can I possibly reach my goals if I refuse to indulge in such depravity? The vegetable lovers usually seem too smug. And the hipsters! So self-conscious. Who wants to be someone who can´t enjoy anything for fear of being seen to enjoy? The punks who hate conformity yet look as similar to each other as houses in the suburbs. The irony is not lost on all. Metalheads and their obsession with death and violence share more in common with their fathers than they´ll probably ever know. Who can you be that doesn´t just degrade your privilege?



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Feeble

Nobody cries for the pigeon
Old and feeble
Unable to fly
The small dog slowly chases
Without emotion
Or haste
And puts it to rest
Nobody cries for the pigeon
Old and feeble
Unable to fly
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Things Grow

Father of daughter
Of brother´s love
Across oceans web spinning
Twisting more intricately
Until today under the bright sun
We roll through the country
Where love first sprouted
On cement blocks

Time goes back
To the beginning
Of my brother´s love
A faint uncertain future
Grown on blocks
At the edge of Sisante
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Intention, Belief, Direction, Status

Perhaps it will not be surprising to hear that despite my vague intentions of leaving Seville, after an interesting morning conversation with yet another different person I decided to extend my visit for another night. The intention to leave has more to do with a feeling of obligation to try and see as much as possible in the short amount of time available, moreso than any particular desire to be away from here.

With the help of some stories and ideas of a young Danish man my mind has been working in ways that back home it often does not. I was often asked my reasons for quitting my job in order to go travelling and it has always been difficult for me to explain. Some friends mock me and say that I did it to "find myself" which is not true. I know myself quite well by now, but what I wish to do is improve myself and the world around me. The simple answer that a young German girl gave the other night when asked the common question of what she wished to do with her life was met with some amount of ridicule by some in the discussion who felt the answer too vague and naive. It sounds terribly cliche to say that you wish to 'save the world' as a life objective. It is certainly an imprecise thing to say, but it surely as a general goal it should be celebrated to hear of belief in the possibility that the world as it is needs improvement.

Defining exactly what it means to 'save the world' is a difficult and moralistic question, but an extremely important and personal thing to do. I am finally coming to clairfy to myself my reasons for travelling and leaving behind my old life, and this concept of saving the world is essentially at the heart of my motivation. Of course I don't believe that I will be able to steer the direction of humanity in any massive way, but if it were possible to help spread the campsite rule, perhaps what small differences I can accomplish will bring about deeper spiritual and social satisfaction. The campsite rule is the idea that you must always leave a situation in better shape than you found it. It is an imperfect philosophy (good or bad is not a universal thing), but a very good guiding principle. Life is inherently flawed, but accepting that as a fact will bring us all closer to perfection.

The more we race ahead with technolgy that allows us to dominate that natural world, the more we risk losing sight of what life is. I have often been amazed in my travels how little material wealth seems to be related to spiritual and social happiness. Technology that allows us to build walls to protect ourselves and computer networks to connect us in many ways essentially achieve the opposite of the intended effect.

It is imporant to challenge ourselves to improve and to think about what improvement means. At this point in my life it has been a tremendous improvement to cut off my financial pipeline and to leave behind most of my possessions and all the people I have grown to know and love because stepping out of your own personal comfort zone is the best way to challenge yourself to improve. Those who are truely friends will always do what it takes to maintain the bonds between us no matter where we find ourselves. It is not running away but stepping forwards.

In my conversation with the bright and positive Danish man he told me a story about how when one of his closest friends acted human by being scared and talking about his thoughts of making a stupid decision, he would punch him in the face. This kind of violence is not my way of doing things, but I believe it is what Roland Barthes calls a 'punctum' in reference to photography. This sharp action stimulates thought and carries with it the ability to make change. A slap to the face is a violent act, but it also carries with it the ability to wake someone up without neccessarily causing any permanent damage. I am not a supporter of senseless violence, but in the way he described it, in specific situations and carried out well, a slap carrying minor pain is far superior to allowing selfish and scared humans to cause far greater pain and suffering. Perhaps I believe that some of my friends and the world in general would not be so bad off to receive a wake up slap in order to wake us from the comfortable semi-sleep state that modern technology has allowed us to inhabit.

Commernts are welcomed and encouraged.

Land of the Eternal Sun

I often extol the virtues of travelling with a flexible plan. This past week has been a prime example of why it is a better way to travel. It's easy to be tempted into purchasing cheap tickets well in advance to save on airfare etc... but long-term travelling is a different mentality. Based on a few opinions I'd heard and a general gut feeling I almost opted out of visiting Seville. When I decided it was time to move on from Madrid, I had a general idea to go to the Andalusia region. I really hadn't decided on which city to visit until I was at the ticket counter.

I splurged on a comfortable and fast AVE train to Seville and with no hostel booked arrived to a thermometer reading 40 C with no clouds in sight. Being new to Spain I was fooled by a typical Spanish map that feels ambivalent about orienting North at the top. I had a destination in mind but ended up modifying a 20 minute walk into a 2 hour hike. Had I had the foresight of direction to maybe load up the google map for Seville, some effort could have been avoided. But after all I made it and besides feeling like I had gone swimming, I felt good. With the intention of staying for a night or two I booked in for a single night. It has now been a week of waking up, extending my stay by a day and having a different amazing day.

Staying in a smaller hostel makes for a much more social atmosphere. Every day has resulted in a fresh group of disparate travellers forming into an interesting unity. It's really good to hear opinions and stories that come from very different places than your own. One day involved going to the top of an 800 year old tower (the Giralda), then later a rumba show which started at half past midnight and involving select senior couples dancing in a very intense way. Renting bikes, taking world-class bike paths and going for a picnic by the river at the edge of town was a highlight, also having a rooftop jam session with a really cool young Brazilian guy who quit his job as a lawyer to travel the world studying different musical styles in order to become a musican. A chess match with spectators followed by an evening at a local pub having intense philisophical discussions about the meaning and value of youth, career and charity will be hard to forget. Sitting in a cafe patio overlooking the largest wooden structure (scuplture?) in the world while listening to an Argentinian with a moderate level of English and a thick accent mimicking a posh London girl for her accent was hilarious. Double-double on the accent layers. Even the less exciting moments like being duped by a pair of pretty young Spanish girls into walking for 30 minutes to a club for two free drinks each was fun just for the walk with the fun crew. Even today was great. It may turn out to be my last day in Seville and I accomplished just about nothing except walking around with the flying Dutchman trying to decipher at what time the siesta would end and we could play pool. Tapas culture has won me over which might mean that I can't return to the pace of life back home...

Madrilanos

True to my slow to be realized word, I quit my job and found my way back to Europe. I´m sitting here in a desolate internet room at 2am in Madrid. It´s hard to believe that I´m here so easily. Just a breath ago it was empty bottles and the service industry, and today I sit satisfied with tapas, Goya and Dali. Not speaking Spanish makes things a little awkward sometimes but I stumble my way through as usual.

European architecture is ace. The food has been pretty good but hasn´t convinced me to gorge myself. The semi-decentralized city layout is a treat for wandering around. I met an american guy who is super outgoing and it´s been fun to play pool against. This first hostel has been a bit of a letdown except for meeting him. Barely anyone seems to be around despite the huge size, and the pool table is in awful disrepair; complete with crooked and damaged cues lacking any chalk.


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Travelling through sites kissed by the sun
Admiring efforts sealed with stone
Brushes wetting the canvas
Leaving you with hardened traces
Of master hands filling your mind
Exploring space undefinable

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Turned Around

So watered down

Sit now not sinking

Turned around

From the trip thinking

You're waking up 

And not blinking

With every cup

And bright winking

Bleu, Blanc, Rouge

Since coming to terms with the reality that my daily routine is about to turn upside-down, the stress that everybody had been anticipating has finally struck. I've been feeling manic lately. One day I'll be terrified of leaving behind everyone and everything I know, and the next day I'll feel elated that I'm taking a calculated risk that could turn out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

I've been studying Michael Swan's 'Practical English Usage' in preparation for becoming a teacher of English to speakers of other languages, and it has humbled me. It has made me realize how utterly inept I am at speaking about the grammatical underpinnings of my language. I'm making progress, but the obvious reality that one does not simply become a teacher overnight is really striking me. As a rapidly aging man I need a constant reminder to pace myself...

Riding the Red Horse In Thailand

Somebody once said to me that it's only when you open yourself to new possibilities that true opportunities come. It's an easy thing to become complacent in the status quo and then miss out on some of the world's greatness. So many of my fondest memories have happened while travelling, and although discomfort, fear, cost and loneliness are very real, true wonder will not be found by forever remaining in your hometown and staying comfortable. I distinctly recall my brother asking me years ago why I always put such a high priority on comfort, and I think that at the time, I didn't quite realize the scope of his point. 

Back to sleep

HCB.

perfectly nestled
in the warmth
her sleeping hand
tickles your balls
while you read
the words
of an angry old man
whose goods might as well be buried
under a mountain
of decaying filth
for all the love they now get
and you laugh
knowing one day
that will be you
hidden beneath the rot
lusting for the moment
when her perfect hand
reaches out from sleep
for a feel

To make your reality

The time to descend the ladder is approaching, but as of yet it is unknown where it leads. It has become difficult to commit to a precise action plan for 2015, but the gist of it is to cut ties with the current career trajectory and take a plunge into new places and trying new things. As someone who generally plays things safe, it is proving tough to finalize my decision. 

As a tool for organizing possibilities into realities, here is a list of things that seem like incredibly amazing experiences and are worth chasing/re-living:

-Climbing a large mountain and looking out with the whole world below you, owing completely to your own locomotion. (Turkey? Nepal? France?)

-Sitting in a lovely café eating a perfect freshly baked croissant, sipping a delicious coffee and people watching stylish Europeans. (France)

-Lounging on a beach with friends, playing music and drinking wine by a campfire (Spain?)

-Working with injured or orphaned animals in a wildlife rescue operation (B.C?)

-Going on a camping expedition deep into the forest (Yukon?)

-Teaching impoverished kids basics in photography, then providing them with disposable cameras and developing the results (Anywhere)

-Riding a bike through the countryside of a foreign country, camping along the way (Netherlands?)

-Wandering around a decaying fort from an ancient age, telling supernatural stories (Serbia? France?)

-Swaying in a hammock on a tiny island that nobody you know has ever heard of, reading a book and eating fresh local foods, then scuba diving into an alien world (Philippines? Greece?)

-Driving a powerful and sporty car on a challenging racetrack on a sunny day (Germany)