Sweet little liar

Dear Diary,

The other day I came to realize that I'm lactose intolerant. Today I've realized that I'm also cheap draft beer intolerant. I'm not fit for human contact at the moment, so that's why I'm writing nonsense. Nobody can smell me online. The internet is still around, right? I heard that the hacker group anonymous blasted some scumbag corporations that were in support of the SOPA legislation yesterday, but my trusty daily newspaper failed to inform me of any of that this morning. Hmmmm.

I'm going to tell me a story (I kind of believe that nobody else reads this stuff).
So last night as I was choking down a King's crown (I intended to pay for that, thanks Shawniqwa -- you good-hearted fool) and chugging shitty draft beer, I noticed that this total babe at the table next to me was making eyes at me. She probably noticed my classy turd-beard soul patch, or remembered my wicked dance moves from earlier at the Convoys show (it was really rad). Anyways, while I'm single I usually deny beautiful damsels a chance at me, but last night was different, so I slickly slid over to her table and put my arm around her and introduced myself. I couldn't hear what her name was, but that was just a small detail I didn't feel a strong need to correct. Her body language said "go", but as I ever more confidently slid my hand up her inner thigh, I thought I should ask her if she was cool. She responded by telling me that her boyfriend would be totally cool with what I was doing, which I thought was pretty awesome. He must be a really cool dude. She showed me a crappy cellphone picture of Zac Efron and told me that he was her boyfriend, that he was a bouncer, and was imminently arriving. I think they'll get married and be happy ever after. As I continued to check that she had warm blood flowing through her veins, she passingly mentioned that she was 27. Not even meaning to be a nice guy, I responded that I would've guessed that she was 10 years younger than that. I guess I am kind of smooth sometimes. It was getting past 3am, and her posse of lady friends that don't need to chew their food had left us for colder pastures, so she got really curious about how I was getting home, and if I was going to take a cab. Being the intelligent and thrifty man that I am, I let her know that I was going to walk home alone, but made sure to tell her to have fun while waiting for her boyfriend. She seemed quite safe in the proximity of the nice, smiley bouncers (and her man-eating friends), so I bid her adieu, and managed to catch up to my main man Shawniqwa. This brings us to what may become a regular feature of these daily rants.

Tip of the day:
Don't drunkenly try to hurdle massive recycling bins in a spontaneous act of machismo for two reasons:
1) You look really dumb and nobody thinks you're cool for doing it.
2) It's harder than it looks, so you'll probably just fall, scrape your leg and wake up later with a charley horse.

Clip of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTbny4bHkAk
Joy Division  - New Dawn Fades (live)
It cuts in late and out early, but seeing Ian Curtis dance is priceless.

*The names in my stories are fictionalized for hilarity's sake.
** Big thanks to Jason from Convoys for the free t-shirt. It looks awesome and I'm proudly wearing it right now.

xx